LIFE HAS TAKEN ME ON MANY ADVENTURES ACROSS THE WORLD..... BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD TAKE ME TO KANSAS CITY. GOD WORKS IN WONDERFUL, SURPRISING, SPLENDID WAYS..... JUST TRUST HIM.

The language of God is reality...... the sum of His words is truth. Listen. Be watchful. Have faith without doubt.

So, since creating this blog/journal, I have highlighted my many sorrows, struggles, joys, shame and confusion. Through it all, I felt that I was drowning in mixed emotions, but what I have come to realize is that all of this is part of a cleansing process. My flesh and my Spirit are waging a war. The Spirit will surely win.

Last week, God planted a seed in my heart. After many prayers, tears and sighs, I felt God say.... "I hear your cries my child, but you are not willing to let go.... truly and honestly let go" Then like a thunder bolt, I felt all my chains fall to the floor. I was done with me. I was no longer going to make a decision about anything!!! Knowing something... knowing the Word of God does not mean that you are living it... TRUSTING it! The last year, I have been holding on to something so desperately.... a vision of a life.... that I regret taking for granted and throwing away. God had placed a beautifully wrapped splendid gift on my lap, and my immature foolish youthful ways threw it away. I am not sad for my loss, I am in agony for disappointing God. My heart has ached for too long..... and the hope that I have held on to is now so far away that I can no longer even see it. I have begged God to have mercy on me.... to forgive my sins, to blot out my transgressions, to discipline me, to redeem me..... and to put favor in my way. He has. He is so faithful.

I know that I am very hard on myself for someone who has only walked with the Lord for merely 1 year..... but I do not want to waste anytime... I do not want to make any more excuses. The Word of God and the Spirit of God dwells inside me and is screaming to me..... don't waste your life! I have splendid things awaiting you!! I do not merely want to live a Christian life.... I feel that there is a longing in me that is telling me that God wants to use me for a great purpose for His glory. He wants to use a crazy fool like me!!!????? I am full of sin, I can not guard my mouth, and I am constantly tempted by earthly desires...... I have disobeyed, I have caused pain to someone that would have ripped his skin out for me.....yet He wants to use me? I must forgive myself because God has.... how can I not forgive myself when God sacrificed His son to die on the cross for my sins... in order to forgive me!!

In recent days, I felt a pain that words can not describe. A loss that has left my mind in shock and my heart numb. Yet, I am amazed at the strength and peace that keeps me up. I prayed to God for months to give me this strength and peace..... and like always, He answered my prayers. I am so grateful for this.....

I have always had a very active mind... a mind that often I can not shut down even when I try to sleep. Dreams have always dominated my sleep..... but I have learned that God has used them to speak to me, comfort me, warn me...... just to let me know that He is always there. Recently, because of this, I reached out to a pastor for some encouragement... some advice. In a time when no matter how much advice my friends could give me to make me feel better..... God placed complete strangers in my life to fill me with hope and encouragement. I understand that my friends love me... and are always there for me, but I also know that their advice has no room for the presence of God.

Because of this leap of faith by reaching out to a pastor in Kansas City, I have witnessed God's power in full force!!! Boom boom boom.... He has opened a new door for me that I have begged Him to do. I am going to Kansas City on June 11th to meet Pastor Jeff Adams, his family, friends and his church. I now know that I desperately need a family in Christ to build me up.... where God is a beautiful and natural part of my conversations. I no longer have to explain myself, preach to those who do not wish to hear... to make those see who do not want to see.

I do not know why God is leading me to Kansas City, but I must trust Him. ALL of my life.... ALL of me I have placed in His loving hands. I can not do ANYTHING apart from Him. I have NO good apart from Him. I have let my emotions dictate my life for too long. I am done with me. I am letting the Holy Spirit lead me and guide me to God's purpose and will for me. I long to be in the center of HIS will.

I will use this blog as a journal to highlight my experience in Kansas City. Please pray for me. Please pray that I may have the strength and wisdom to leave my old self behind. Please pray that I can forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. Please pray that I can truly let go of the pain that stings my heart. Please pray that my time in Kansas City will renew me and reveal to me a life that God has destined for me.

I am overflowing with love for God.... for His mercy and grace. I pray that this new experience will forever alter my life towards a path where I may commit fully to the Lord.

I am keeping faith that all that has happened is leading me towards a moment that is yet to come. I need to forgive myself because God has forgiven me. I must look to the future with full joy for all that Christ has in store for me.

I am all yours Lord. Now and forever.