As far as we know it...

To love our enemies. 

To love thy neighbor as thyself. 

To forgive as Christ forgave us.

 Be angry, but do not sin. 

I do not love my enemies. I have not forgiven. I am angry. Do I feel ashamed or guilty for saying that? Would it be better to proclaim what I "think" is Christlike to say than to speak from the honesty of my heart? I can deceive you, but I can not deceive my God. I will not falsify my prayer. I am just not there...... I am just not at that place where I can with full honesty of heart say that I love those who have hurt me and that I can genuinely pray for them. 

 "The heart knows its own bitterness....." My Father in heaven knows my heart. He seeks my heart. He keeps His eye on my heart, for "Keep your heart with all vigilance,for from it flow the springs of life." He wants me to be honest with Him, so I tell Him that I am raging with anger towards those who have caused me pain. Yet, I know that it is not what my heart truly desires. Rather, it is a reflection of my momentary pain that desires justification and justice. Where was Christ's justice? Yet, He forgave. I will lay my anger and my arguments at the feet of my God. I will lay before Him my case. I will argue with Him. But I will not speak false. I will speak my heart and I will "work out" my pain. What gives me hope and reassurance is that my prayer is consistent, "Lord, give me the peace and the strength to forgive." My God is concerned with my seeking heart. He is concerned with the longing of my heart to want to forgive. He is considered with our "seeking" and gives mercy to our weaknesses. 

We each, depending on the circumstances of our lives, have a limit or boundary to how much we each can measure pain, anger and forgiveness. There is violence, loss, tragedy, injustice and cruelty in this world that most of us in the West can not even wrap our hearts and minds around. Our understanding of pain and hate is not the same as those who watch their children die before them because of war and genocide. You and I can never understand. So, when we easily and comfortably speak about forgiving and loving our enemies, we limit that forgiveness and love to the boundaries of hate and pain that we have the capacity to understand. How does a person forgive a Taliban who has just executed his mother because she wore nail polish? Please don't piss me off by speaking about "forgiving thy enemy and loving thy enemy" because it is a Christian thing to say. Do you really know what loving and forgiving thy enemy really requires when it is your mother who lays dead on the ground before you? What it requires is for one to dig so deep into the soul, ripping apart every human emotion and falling face first to the feet of God for strength and understanding. This is what it really means to know God. This is what it really means to know what Jesus did for you and I. It requires us to say that we are defeated to pain, to loss, to understanding and to ourselves. It requires us to say that in our defeat, we desperately throw ourselves to the mercy filled love of our God. He ONLY carries an understanding of justice and healing that our hearts can not understand while here in this broken ravaged world.

I have not forgiven and I am not ashamed. My measure of pain and anger is insignificant to what many people around the world endure in the face of war and violence. Yet, it is MY pain. It is MY personal anger and God takes notice and He cares. He pays attention and keep His eye on my heart. He is not displeased with me because I have not forgiven yet. He is pleased with me for my agonizing honesty before Him. He is pleased with my desperately seeking heart to want to forgive. He is pleased with my tormenting appeal to Him to make me better. He is working in my heart because He wants to set me free from my own self torture.

We live, reflect, understand and prepare for circumstances and emotions that fall within each of our life boundaries. Your boundary is probably a lot more bloody than mine if you are living in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya etc. Your boundary is a reflection of an anger and pain that I probably will never experience or understand. I do not live within the confines of your boundaries, but please know that I grieve with you and pray for you often.

To God My Exceeding Joy

In the midst of the chaos and brokenness, we experience a joy that is so awesome. There are precious moments when we escape the chains of the world, allowing our Godly joy to surface and dance within us, vibrating our Spirit to the sound of praise. I love those moments. I am overwhelmed and overflowing with love for my God. Yet, this moment ends and joy sits back down quietly and watches us with sad eyes as we return to the business of the world. Anxieties, stress and fear walk back into the room and demand attention. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and day dream about the joy we will feel when we are reunited with God in His Kingdom. The beauty, the brightness, the peace and the everlasting joy...... C.S Lewis wrote: "Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back. All my life the god of the Mountain has been wooing me. Oh, look up once at least before the end and wish me joy. I am going to my lover. Do you not see now?"

This joy I dream of will not be for a mere precious moment struggling to surface from filth, but rather I will embrace and dance with this joy for eternity. Like separated lover's, I will be reconciled with this joy. I will be reconciled with Jesus, the lover of my soul. Oh how sweet and electrifying this joy will be. 

I dream about this joy

I crave this joy

I find strength in this joy 'The joy of the Lord IS your strength" Nehemiah 8:10

I endure for this joy "....For the joy that was set before Him endured the cross.." Hebrews 12:2 

Can we have understanding of it?

Can we define it?

Can we search it?

Can we measure it?

I think that it's a taste of the Lord, and He is good. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!" Psalms 34:8

I think that it's everything that awaits us. "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9