YOU WANT TO SEE GOD AT WORK?

Yesterday as I was driving, I was praying for God to be near me..... to not FORGET me.... even though I know He is always there.... His Spirit dwells in me. Yet, I felt I needed assurance. I cried for Him not to forget me. Well............... later that day in the midst of me running around, my heart told me to grab my Bible... and as always, I let the Bible open up on my lap to any page... and there it was!!!!

The Bible opened up to Isaiah 49:15-16

CAN A WOMAN FORGET HER NURSING CHILD, THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE NO COMPASSION ON THE SON OF HER WOMB? EVEN THESE MAY FORGET, YET I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. BEHOLD, I HAVE ENGRAVED YOU ON THE PALMS OF MY HANDS; YOUR WALLS ARE CONTINUALLY BEFORE ME.

How faithful is our God!!!!!!! I was screaming for Him to not forget me and He replied right back to me by saying the above verse...... YET I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!

God's LOVE is unmeasurable.... God's LOVE is unsearchable.

.....Just trust Him... truly trust Him.....

LIFE HAS TAKEN ME ON MANY ADVENTURES ACROSS THE WORLD..... BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD TAKE ME TO KANSAS CITY. GOD WORKS IN WONDERFUL, SURPRISING, SPLENDID WAYS..... JUST TRUST HIM.

The language of God is reality...... the sum of His words is truth. Listen. Be watchful. Have faith without doubt.

So, since creating this blog/journal, I have highlighted my many sorrows, struggles, joys, shame and confusion. Through it all, I felt that I was drowning in mixed emotions, but what I have come to realize is that all of this is part of a cleansing process. My flesh and my Spirit are waging a war. The Spirit will surely win.

Last week, God planted a seed in my heart. After many prayers, tears and sighs, I felt God say.... "I hear your cries my child, but you are not willing to let go.... truly and honestly let go" Then like a thunder bolt, I felt all my chains fall to the floor. I was done with me. I was no longer going to make a decision about anything!!! Knowing something... knowing the Word of God does not mean that you are living it... TRUSTING it! The last year, I have been holding on to something so desperately.... a vision of a life.... that I regret taking for granted and throwing away. God had placed a beautifully wrapped splendid gift on my lap, and my immature foolish youthful ways threw it away. I am not sad for my loss, I am in agony for disappointing God. My heart has ached for too long..... and the hope that I have held on to is now so far away that I can no longer even see it. I have begged God to have mercy on me.... to forgive my sins, to blot out my transgressions, to discipline me, to redeem me..... and to put favor in my way. He has. He is so faithful.

I know that I am very hard on myself for someone who has only walked with the Lord for merely 1 year..... but I do not want to waste anytime... I do not want to make any more excuses. The Word of God and the Spirit of God dwells inside me and is screaming to me..... don't waste your life! I have splendid things awaiting you!! I do not merely want to live a Christian life.... I feel that there is a longing in me that is telling me that God wants to use me for a great purpose for His glory. He wants to use a crazy fool like me!!!????? I am full of sin, I can not guard my mouth, and I am constantly tempted by earthly desires...... I have disobeyed, I have caused pain to someone that would have ripped his skin out for me.....yet He wants to use me? I must forgive myself because God has.... how can I not forgive myself when God sacrificed His son to die on the cross for my sins... in order to forgive me!!

In recent days, I felt a pain that words can not describe. A loss that has left my mind in shock and my heart numb. Yet, I am amazed at the strength and peace that keeps me up. I prayed to God for months to give me this strength and peace..... and like always, He answered my prayers. I am so grateful for this.....

I have always had a very active mind... a mind that often I can not shut down even when I try to sleep. Dreams have always dominated my sleep..... but I have learned that God has used them to speak to me, comfort me, warn me...... just to let me know that He is always there. Recently, because of this, I reached out to a pastor for some encouragement... some advice. In a time when no matter how much advice my friends could give me to make me feel better..... God placed complete strangers in my life to fill me with hope and encouragement. I understand that my friends love me... and are always there for me, but I also know that their advice has no room for the presence of God.

Because of this leap of faith by reaching out to a pastor in Kansas City, I have witnessed God's power in full force!!! Boom boom boom.... He has opened a new door for me that I have begged Him to do. I am going to Kansas City on June 11th to meet Pastor Jeff Adams, his family, friends and his church. I now know that I desperately need a family in Christ to build me up.... where God is a beautiful and natural part of my conversations. I no longer have to explain myself, preach to those who do not wish to hear... to make those see who do not want to see.

I do not know why God is leading me to Kansas City, but I must trust Him. ALL of my life.... ALL of me I have placed in His loving hands. I can not do ANYTHING apart from Him. I have NO good apart from Him. I have let my emotions dictate my life for too long. I am done with me. I am letting the Holy Spirit lead me and guide me to God's purpose and will for me. I long to be in the center of HIS will.

I will use this blog as a journal to highlight my experience in Kansas City. Please pray for me. Please pray that I may have the strength and wisdom to leave my old self behind. Please pray that I can forgive myself for the mistakes of my past. Please pray that I can truly let go of the pain that stings my heart. Please pray that my time in Kansas City will renew me and reveal to me a life that God has destined for me.

I am overflowing with love for God.... for His mercy and grace. I pray that this new experience will forever alter my life towards a path where I may commit fully to the Lord.

I am keeping faith that all that has happened is leading me towards a moment that is yet to come. I need to forgive myself because God has forgiven me. I must look to the future with full joy for all that Christ has in store for me.

I am all yours Lord. Now and forever.

FOR LOVE IS AS STRONG AS DEATH - SONG OF SOLOMON
(I was deep in thought about this verse today....... with tears of joy and sadness)

....... I hear, feel and see God's call that this is a critical time in my spiritual life. There is no turning back..... no more excuses and no more foolish confidence. I know I must be firm in faith.......... My spirit screams that the old self is gone... the door closed..... yet I am scared, but beyond joyful for what is now ahead. Sin tries to hold me back..... but God's love, word and truth will lead me to Him... and HIS purpose for a crazy heart like mine.  I am working with God's time now, not my own.

 Faith is blind. And no one said that letting go and having faith would be easy.....

Asking for your prayers.............

1. The most important thing you can do in any situation is pray. If you feel God is calling you into a deeper prayer life with Him, do not resist it.
2. Focus on who God is. Focus on His attributes and that He is a great, powerful God, even when we are very small and weak. Listen to praise and worship. It will minister to your heart and soul and help you to enter into prayer and to experience the presence of God. 
3. Ask others whom you trust to join you in your prayer requests. Praying friends and family are one of God’s ways to strengthen you during the difficult times.
4. Read the Word. The psalms are particularly easy to identify with during dark times. Read God’s promises and find hope in victories of others in the Bible through God working in their life.
5. Know that God is with you through the fire, the deep waters and the darkness. He does not cause these troubles but He will allow them for a purpose that we may never understand. But as you come to know God, you will see that His ways are higher than our ways and He has the perspective of eternity that we do not have. God proved His love for us by having His only Son Jesus suffer on our behalf, that we might be with them in heaven one day.

If you are struggling with feelings of despair and helplessness, take a step of faith to trust in God — His love and faithfulness. Be encouraged by the truth that He is always in control and that He desires our best in all circumstances.

ALL POWER BELONGS TO GOD

God used the lowest of society for His glory

I dream about the way that my children will walk with the Lord.....  I get overwhelmed with joy and gratitude that God used me to open up the lineage of my children, my children's children and on.... that will now walk with Christ!!!

I didn't find God..... He was always there.......

the Joy and Strength that can only come from God..... and the Wisdom and Peace that can only come from Him

Don't just "know" the Word of God....... but "live" the Word of God

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

Happy Mother's Day mom!!! You are more precious than jewels..... I pray that I may one day become even half the woman you are. Your dedication, care, hard work, loyalty, love and patience as a mother and wife is beyond words. I have watched you work 12 hour days, come home and cook and clean.... with your feet in pain...... YET never do you complain. Through it all, you always seem to have a smile on your beautiful face. The endurance and strength you embody is something in which I can not grasp.  I adore and admire you.......... I am often filled with limitless words to describe my feelings and emotions, but when it comes to you, even words can not describe the gratitude and love that my heart screams out to you.


XOXO

Thank You Reader!

 I received a sweet and encouraging msg. from a reader in Russia!! that made all this blogging.... writing worth it.... that I was able to encourage one person out there... and for them to encourage me. Encouragement must be done with love, patience and never in anger/wrath... even when we are often frustrated with the ones we love. As written, many many times Jesus became upset or frustrated with His disciples for doubting, but He always spoke with love and patience.... knowing that we all fall short of the glory of God. I must learn to have this same patience.... for others and patience with myself. Just as God has patience for all my stupidity, constant failures to obey... and daily sinning..... He never gives up on me.... yet as people, we give up on each other....often judging.  God knows His children, in the midst of their triumphs and failures as Christians.... and He always provides a way out by shining his light to the path of redemption and righteousness. Only God knows....

There is no greater peace and joy that comes from completely trusting God. Slowly... little by little.... the pain goes away... anger disappears and there is only room for love. The moment my mind wanders to a place of sadness or anxiety, I stop and think of the love God has for me... even when I am acting like a stupid and foolish idiot. It was when I completely trusted God that He finally answered my prayer.... the strength and peace to let go of someone I thought I couldn't live without. I am grateful for the memories.... and blessed for the experiences. I look ahead now with God leading me in His truth and light.... to a place and to someone my heart could never even imagine. The shame and guilt of disobeying God and only "talking" and not living His word is over because I know God won't give up on me.... "Remember not the sins of my youth or my trangressions; according to your steadfast love remember me" Psalm 25:7 I am thankful that I experienced the wrath, abandonment and judgement of someone dear to me.... in order to see my shame. This is a beautiful and special time........ I HAVE NO GOOD APART FROM YOU. Psalm 16:2

Quotes to Encourage

Every thing that a man leans upon but God, will be a dart that will certainly pierce his heart through and through. He, who leans only upon Christ, lives the highest, choicest, safest, and sweetest life.
-Thomas Brooks

Bitterness is a habit that can seriously hinder our spiritual journey. When life becomes difficult, when it doesn't seem as if God is providing for our needs, when we're not getting what we want when we want it, we have a decision to make. We can hold onto our faith and trust that God has an answer in mind, or we can gripe and moan and complain and let our souls become embittered. Expecting an oasis, but finding a bitter stream? Don't lose sight of the grace of God. - (Beside A Quiet Stream)
-Penelope J. Stokes

Sermon at the most perfect time...........  How can I expect to have God bless and guide me, if I am not honest with myself about my intentions and motivations. I must be honest with myself because God already knows everything.... esp. the sorrows of our hearts. God will not use a "dirty" vessel for His glory, therefore, I must PREPARE myself.... cleanse myself and be HONEST. Clean out the garbage and clutter and make room for Christ so that I can magnify Him in my life. I hope this sermon helps you............ Feel the shame, guilt and truth.... then let go. Now, through God's mercy and grace, cling to Him more than you have ever. It is never too late.... and don't let anyone define the faith that is between you and God. Don't allow anyone to define your faith through your moments of weakness and failure. Only God knows..........

Sermon:
Getting Ready To Be Used By God:
http://saddleback.com/mc/m/0338e/

I pray that my posts from now on will be filled with JOY and less about my failures.... I pray that from now on, my writings will reflect the joy and peace that God has prepared for me.  Like I said, this blog is for me... an online journal where I can share my growth... including my triumphs and failures.... but I also pray that it will encourage someone else out there too. One day, once I get to a place of spiritual maturity, i will be able to look back at all these posts and say "There I was.. learning, failing, BUT growing.... THERE I WAS... AND HERE I AM NOW"

I am done with me.

Dear Lord,

I am ashamed, I am embarrassed, I am disappointed with myself. Thank you for your harsh discipline that has opened my eyes to my own selfish and sinful ways. Losing the respect and love of those I deeply love is a pain that can be healed in time, but the pain I feel knowing that you are disappointed in me is too much to take. You say that you will give us the desires of our hearts if we truly commit ourselves to you and if we come to you with a pure heart........... but my words and actions did not come from the spirit. My flesh and desires were always in control. You know my heart, and you know my struggles and I know you won't give up on me. You are patient with your children. Forgive me Lord. Pluck me back out of the hole I dug for myself and place me back on a path of righteousness where I no longer speak.... but LIVE your Word. Let your word be a lamp to my feet and light to my path. I can not waste anymore time..... because the only person that will fall and feel the brutal wrath of sin will be me. I am filled with tears and immense sadness that comes from disappointing you............... but I know you will redeem me, have mercy on me and I know that by committing to you with all my heart, soul and mind, you will fulfill the beautiful plan you have for me. I am full of shame...... but I know you know my heart and my love for you. My love for you is real and for eternity, and NO ONE can strip that away from me. I am grateful for the pain and sadness I have felt recently because it has opened my eyes to my shame............... There can not be strength in faith without honesty.

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I pray that anyone who may be feeling this way, may be encouraged by the fact that God will not give up on His children, He will be patient, He will forgive, He will discipline.... yet He will always give us a way out. Don't let shame and guilt be used by the Devil to steer you away from God.... because the devil prowls like a lion and waits on times like these to pounce. Jesus took our shame away for us when He died on the cross. Regroup. Maintain focus on God. Be filled with Love. Be filled with the spirit of God that gives unmeasurable joy, peace and strength.

I ask for your prayers.