My Heart in His Hands

"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23

I usually write long and analytical posts, but this time I wanted to keep it short and simply worded. Yet, we know that matters of the heart are anything but simple....

I will be the first to admit that I have always been foolish in the heart. In the past, the desires of my heart have led me astray. My passions have chased the heart of Man and not the heart of God. Yet, the amazing truth and power that I now recognize is that God needed to break my heart into pieces in order to draw me to Him. He took away the world's version of love in order to include me into the greatest love story to ever unfold. 

When my heart was broken, wounded and in agony, I received a heavenly visual. I was sitting at a coffee shop in Mexico writing out the bitterness in my heart.  As I closed my eyes, He was standing before me with His hands reached out. Without words, He spoke to my heart saying, "do you trust me?" If you do, place  your broken, wounded and darkened heart in my hands." I did. I remember saying, "...And don't you give it back to me until it is healed, strong, and bright" He promised.

To give Jesus everything does not mean what I choose to give Him. It is not a compromise. Everything means everything. Everything means my mind, my heart, my family, my hopes, my dreams, my pains, my joys.... everything is His. He is in control of everything. I trust Him with everything. Therefore, I walk in peace and assurance. This is faith at its best.

I look forward to the day when I close my eyes and revisit Jesus as He stands before me with my heart in His hands. This time, He will give my heart back as He had promised- healed, strong and bright. Yet, even when my heart dwells brightly within me, I will continue to passionately seek and chase after the heart of Christ - the lover of my soul for a love eternal.

"Do you trust me?" He said. 

I sure do. I trust you with my whole heart.

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” 

An Obsession With His Glory

An obsession with the glory of God is the true knowledge of God. (anonymous missionary quote)

In the midst of the hecticness of life, there has been a question that continues to relentlessly poke at me. Today, I finally slowed down, stopped and acknowledged the question at hand. The question has been, "What is glory?" However, what amazed me was not the question, but where it came from. As I became still and asked God to sit down with me to discuss it, I realized that it was not me asking, but more specifically it was God whispering and asking me the question, "Mariya, What is MY glory?"

We use the word glory immeasurable times, but what does it mean to me.....? What does God intend it to mean? Like many words in the Bible, we see them to mean what we think or hope them to be. We give no deep spiritual thought to God's specifically used words, therefore, robbing such words of their power. We approach commonly used words in the Bible from our own worldviews and perspectives. I earnestly desire to know what God intends us to understand glory to be. More specifically, His glory.

I have been on fire for God and ignited to play a role in His redemptive plan. I have pushed forward with boldness, passion, focus and determination. Yet, this crucial question of "What is my glory?" reminds me that I must understand the why before the what. Understanding before strategy. I am brought back to a moment that occurred a few months ago. I was desperately asking God, "What do you want me to do?" During church service one day, I felt Him say to me, "Silly girl, you are asking the wrong question. Don't worry about the "what," that is my business. You must understand the "why," and that is simply My glory."

We must understand the why- the fuel, before we can comprehend the what - the mission. The question of Why also allows us to understand and know the Who. Who HE is and Why we serve Him, before we can take on the What- the mission. Does that make sense?

Who - God and who HE is

Why - His Glory

What - His redemptive plan - the Mission

But what is HIS glory? To understand and grasp this question is critical because it is the foundation of my missional life. It is what holds me accountable in my walk as a Christ soldier. I must constantly measure my service and my motivations with the question, "Is this glorifying God?" If not, I must reevaluate and take it up with Him.

The Hebrew word for "glory" is from the same root word for "heavy/weighty". Glory refers to the sheer, mind-blowing, weightiness of God's presence.

The Bible tells us that it is through Christ that we really see what God is like. So through Jesus we see God’s glory in the flesh (John 1:14). This is no surprise because in John 17:5 we read that Jesus shared in the glory of God since before the world was made.

Ezekiel 10:4 helps us to glimpse and understand God’s glory: “Then the Lord’s glory rose from above the winged creatures and moved toward the temple’s threshold. The temple was filled with the cloud, and the courtyard was filled with the brightness of the Lord’s glory.” The word translated here as “glory” is kabod in Hebrew, being loaded with power, reputation, or honor. God’s glory is God’s weightiness in wonderful qualities such as might, beauty, goodness, justice, and honor. His glory is so powerful that man could not bear even looking at Moses’s face that was radiating with His glory.

God shares His glory with us. When we receive His gifts and blessings with gratitude and humility, when we use them to enhance His honor and His Kingdom, when we acknowledge Him as the source of all goodness, then we are glorifying Him.  Ruth Ward Heflin defines the glory as “the revelation of the presence of God. It is the manifestation of His presence. He is glory. He is everywhere, but glory is the manifestation of that reality … When glory comes down, it’s a bit of Heaven’s atmosphere coming down to us, a taste of His manifest presence.”

What does it mean then for us to glorify God? We cannot add to His glory, for He is already perfectly and infinitely glorious. It means that nothing delights us more than to feel His pleasure as we live to the praise of His glory. It also means that we declare His glory among the nations, inviting others to join us in our love affair with His glorious perfection. Glorifying God must consume and define every aspect of our life, spilling over to all people who encounter us. His light, power and glory radiate through us, making us the walking, living, breathing testimony and proof of Him. As His glory shines in us and through us through the manner in which we live and "be," we give the world a glimpse of Him. We give the world a taste of Jesus. We are children of light and that light is His glory within us, shining with power.

God is reduced to a means to some other end when it is about our own self-fulfillment - Glory of oneself. The results are disastrous for worship, for discipleship, and for witness. My mission must not become a consumer product rather than adoration I offer to God. Discipleship must not become a self-help program that leaves our spiritually hungry life untouched. Witness becomes an invitation to sample a product rather than an invitation to bow down to the King of Kings.

The glory of God is my supreme passion. This passion for His glory is my goal and it defines the manner in which I pursue it. Our collective passion as a Body of Christ is to see Him receive the glory that is due from every tribe, tongue, people and nation. We must not be content unless His glory is proclaimed and adored. The task is not about us, and it's not even ultimately about the nations. The focus is on Him.

I fall very far short of my own counsel. Yet, as I learn, grow and strengthen in faith, I ask myself such questions in order to hold myself accountable. I expect God to hold me accountable. It is only through His grace that I can live for His glory. Apart from it, I can do nothing.

I plead with you to seek His grace to make the glory of God your supreme passion. I read this today: God’s glory is solid and substantial. It is not mere reputation. It is not dependent on anyone or anything else. God’s glory reflects His essential nature.

Truly, my obsession with the glory of God is my true knowledge of God. It is simply, all about His glory.

Only You

It is so easy to fall into Christianville that we lose sight of Christ. We place layer over layer of religion, institution, bureaucracy, denominations, perspectives, Christians and even ourselves over our cornerstone who is Christ Jesus. With so many layers, we are left with much digging to do to regain sight and grip of our Savior. What is even worse is that with the many man made variables that come into our faith, our view of our faith and Savior become distorted. So then, what does it truly mean and truly require for His followers to keep their hearts focused on Him? What happens when I can not even see Him anymore? Here is the biggest danger: When Church replaces Christ.

I praise God that He has placed me in a church that gets it. I praise God that He has placed me in a church with Christ centered leaders. Yet, I must remember that Church, and the members and the leaders that make up the Church are still sinful humans that Christ had to die for in order to save.

I can confidently say that I have stepped over the thresh hold of spiritual naiveness. It can be a disheartening reality when what you look upon as spotless begins to reveal the reality that God has entrusted broken people in a broken world to take care of His bride. It is not disheartening because my expectations have been blown away, but rather it is disheartening because I have realized that once again I have been looking at Man and not God Himself. What comes with looking at Man are the institutions, bureaucracies, denominations, and ultimately, unavoidable sin and disappointment. Man will disappoint, but God never will.

Jesus I want you. Only You.

I cherish, love, want and need my Church and the body of Christ, but I remind myself that You are my focus, my mission, my cornerstone. Only You. You are the perfecter of my faith. Only You are perfect. I look to my church for fellowship, growth and healing. However, I must regain sight that they serve as instruments of fellowship, growth and healing, but ultimately, it is GOD who provides it. 

My church, my leaders, my brothers and sisters are my crutch, but they are not the source of my strength.

We are provided understanding, but what we do with it is called wisdom. Wisdom is the application of  knowledge and understanding. Again, it is not the knowledge of faith, but the obedience of faith which IS wisdom. So, the question is: Now that I see the stains, what will I do? Wisdom tells me to keep focusing my eyes on my Savior Christ. Wisdom tells me to trust, be nourished and be built up by Church, but once again to remember that God has entrusted broken people in a broken world. 

Yet, even in the midst of the brokenness, it is precisely "the brokenness" that reminds us WHY we desperately need Christ. 

I continue to focus on You. Only You.

The Joy of the Lord is our strength

Our love to God is measured by our everyday fellowship with others and the love it displays.- Andrew Murray

"The joy of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 It is my strength and it is my fuel. It is my fuel to continue to grow as a child of God and to truly understand God's calling and will in my life. This fuel keeps the eyes of my heart and mind always looking at the mission ahead, taking myself out of the claws of this world and even taking me outside of myself. If not, I am in a daily battle to free my thoughts and emotions from the anxieties of this world and the selfishness of my own desires. 

I never truly understood the absolute importance of this fuel. What is it? My fuel is the Word of God and fellowship with other believers. Christians who are serious about spiritual growth are also serious about the Body of Christ. Growth is never a matter of mere individual pursuit of God. It is always pictured as something we pursue as a community. Without it, I rely not on God and the Body of Christ, but rather only on myself. When this happens, I am destined to dry out. This fuel through the Word of God and fellowship must be daily because it is not merely a matter of filling ourselves up for strength, but most importantly, this strength provides spiritual growth. I am seeking maturity and firmness in faith for the sake of understanding not only the mission and God- but also who I transform into and "become" THROUGH the knowledge of the mission and God. - a true soldier and ambassador for Christ and the Great Commission. All I desire is to, "...not account my life of any value nor as precious as myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" Acts 20:24

This fueling, seeking, and becoming must be daily. I am not concerned with the "once a week trip to church" to get my Jesus fix - satisfying my desire to "look" and "feel" Christian. I am concerned with "looking", "feeling" and BEING like Christ. Everyday... internally, externally and eternally. Boy have I failed. Yet, like a learning child, knowing His love and mercy upon His children, I continue to chase my hunger and thirst to be transformed in His image.

I am brought back to my blog post a while back. Here is an excerpt: "How many times do I rely on my own strength and not seek His. How many times do I close my heart to His whisper and listen to the noise of the world. Yet, every time I cry out to Him, He answers because of His relentless faithfulness. Our need's may change, but our God remains the same. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you says my King. The less I go to my Bible and the less I rely on the Word of God, the more I rely on myself… my thoughts, my plans, my strength and my understandings.

Every Sunday at church while engaging in fellowship and singing in worship, I think how I wish I could bottle that feeling of indescribable Godly joy and carry it with me every moment.  I want the everlasting taste of the Kingdom of God, now and here! On Sundays, my joyful spirit is overflowing with gladness and praise for Him. I want to live it, BE it, walk it, thirst it, hunger it and fight for it. Then the week begins and I conform to the world. That momentary feeling of Godly exhilaration dwindles and I replace it with the many anxieties of my mere life.  Does Sunday church time become the once a week “gas station stop” where we go, fill up with song and sermon, fuel up and go home…..? And each passing day, we burn off the fuel until we need to fill up again on Sunday because we are running on empty. As children of God, we have a hungry and seeking Spirit within us that like all living things, MUST be fed and filled on a daily basis, crying out “Fill me up Lord!” The everlasting taste of the Kingdom of God is in fact here and now, living within us. It is the daily feeding and rejuvenating of the spirit that allows me to taste the joy of the Lord and His Kingdom everyday."

Let our praise, fuel, strength and JOY be daily- delighting in the Lord because truly, "The joy of the Lord is our strength"

This past month I have been visiting family and friends in Canada. In my thought it served as a trip to reconcile with my family, however I soon realized that it became a battle field for the enemy to attempt to wound me through oppression and depression. I went from one spiritual environment to the other extreme. I hit an emotional and spiritual wall. Yet, even with all my fears and anxieties, it was the "Joy of the Lord" brought to life through fellowship that gave me the strength to recognize Satan's ploys. My joy is stronger than my fears.

Fellowship through the Body of Christ is like a burning pile of logs-burning with strength and power. When one log is removed from the rest, it faces the tragedy of burning out when left alone without the fuel and fire formed from the collective pile.

    

The encouragement, support, strength and love we receive and offer through fellowship produces a joy that is irresistible not only within the Body of Christ, but this reflection of vibrant burning joy becomes a testimony, proof and witness to the lost world that watches and snares at us.

As far as we know it...

To love our enemies. 

To love thy neighbor as thyself. 

To forgive as Christ forgave us.

 Be angry, but do not sin. 

I do not love my enemies. I have not forgiven. I am angry. Do I feel ashamed or guilty for saying that? Would it be better to proclaim what I "think" is Christlike to say than to speak from the honesty of my heart? I can deceive you, but I can not deceive my God. I will not falsify my prayer. I am just not there...... I am just not at that place where I can with full honesty of heart say that I love those who have hurt me and that I can genuinely pray for them. 

 "The heart knows its own bitterness....." My Father in heaven knows my heart. He seeks my heart. He keeps His eye on my heart, for "Keep your heart with all vigilance,for from it flow the springs of life." He wants me to be honest with Him, so I tell Him that I am raging with anger towards those who have caused me pain. Yet, I know that it is not what my heart truly desires. Rather, it is a reflection of my momentary pain that desires justification and justice. Where was Christ's justice? Yet, He forgave. I will lay my anger and my arguments at the feet of my God. I will lay before Him my case. I will argue with Him. But I will not speak false. I will speak my heart and I will "work out" my pain. What gives me hope and reassurance is that my prayer is consistent, "Lord, give me the peace and the strength to forgive." My God is concerned with my seeking heart. He is concerned with the longing of my heart to want to forgive. He is considered with our "seeking" and gives mercy to our weaknesses. 

We each, depending on the circumstances of our lives, have a limit or boundary to how much we each can measure pain, anger and forgiveness. There is violence, loss, tragedy, injustice and cruelty in this world that most of us in the West can not even wrap our hearts and minds around. Our understanding of pain and hate is not the same as those who watch their children die before them because of war and genocide. You and I can never understand. So, when we easily and comfortably speak about forgiving and loving our enemies, we limit that forgiveness and love to the boundaries of hate and pain that we have the capacity to understand. How does a person forgive a Taliban who has just executed his mother because she wore nail polish? Please don't piss me off by speaking about "forgiving thy enemy and loving thy enemy" because it is a Christian thing to say. Do you really know what loving and forgiving thy enemy really requires when it is your mother who lays dead on the ground before you? What it requires is for one to dig so deep into the soul, ripping apart every human emotion and falling face first to the feet of God for strength and understanding. This is what it really means to know God. This is what it really means to know what Jesus did for you and I. It requires us to say that we are defeated to pain, to loss, to understanding and to ourselves. It requires us to say that in our defeat, we desperately throw ourselves to the mercy filled love of our God. He ONLY carries an understanding of justice and healing that our hearts can not understand while here in this broken ravaged world.

I have not forgiven and I am not ashamed. My measure of pain and anger is insignificant to what many people around the world endure in the face of war and violence. Yet, it is MY pain. It is MY personal anger and God takes notice and He cares. He pays attention and keep His eye on my heart. He is not displeased with me because I have not forgiven yet. He is pleased with me for my agonizing honesty before Him. He is pleased with my desperately seeking heart to want to forgive. He is pleased with my tormenting appeal to Him to make me better. He is working in my heart because He wants to set me free from my own self torture.

We live, reflect, understand and prepare for circumstances and emotions that fall within each of our life boundaries. Your boundary is probably a lot more bloody than mine if you are living in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya etc. Your boundary is a reflection of an anger and pain that I probably will never experience or understand. I do not live within the confines of your boundaries, but please know that I grieve with you and pray for you often.

To God My Exceeding Joy

In the midst of the chaos and brokenness, we experience a joy that is so awesome. There are precious moments when we escape the chains of the world, allowing our Godly joy to surface and dance within us, vibrating our Spirit to the sound of praise. I love those moments. I am overwhelmed and overflowing with love for my God. Yet, this moment ends and joy sits back down quietly and watches us with sad eyes as we return to the business of the world. Anxieties, stress and fear walk back into the room and demand attention. 

Sometimes I close my eyes and day dream about the joy we will feel when we are reunited with God in His Kingdom. The beauty, the brightness, the peace and the everlasting joy...... C.S Lewis wrote: "Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back. All my life the god of the Mountain has been wooing me. Oh, look up once at least before the end and wish me joy. I am going to my lover. Do you not see now?"

This joy I dream of will not be for a mere precious moment struggling to surface from filth, but rather I will embrace and dance with this joy for eternity. Like separated lover's, I will be reconciled with this joy. I will be reconciled with Jesus, the lover of my soul. Oh how sweet and electrifying this joy will be. 

I dream about this joy

I crave this joy

I find strength in this joy 'The joy of the Lord IS your strength" Nehemiah 8:10

I endure for this joy "....For the joy that was set before Him endured the cross.." Hebrews 12:2 

Can we have understanding of it?

Can we define it?

Can we search it?

Can we measure it?

I think that it's a taste of the Lord, and He is good. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!" Psalms 34:8

I think that it's everything that awaits us. "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

A Taste of Jesus

There are many things I analyze with agony when I think about Muslims being separated from the love and truth of God. I reflect with a great level of honesty and self evaluation about the battle I faced coming to know the Lord as a Muslim. I think about all the obstacles that kept me from giving myself to Him and I think about the crucial factors that allowed me to be pushed into His arms.

I have come to understand that we make reaching Muslims complicated when in reality, it is simply a matter of the heart. Of course, the matters of the heart are undoubtedly challenging and painful. I will be the first to say that Muslim ministry is frustrating and absolutely hard, and it requires an immense level of patience that most of us can not take on. In a rapidly paced and fast changing society, our time is too valuable.  Time costs something. Therefore, to invest our time and patience to build trusting relationship with a Muslim person means risking our valuable time especially when we are faced with the harsh reality that we may never see fruit. Therefore, building relationships with Muslims is seen as a risky, slow and time consuming investment rather than a Kingdom investment for the glory of God and for the salvation of souls.

Muslim ministry is ALL about relationships and like any strong and enduring relationship, it requires time and patience. Maybe we are no longer familiar with "strong standing" and "time tested" relationships because we are living in a time of instant gratification, including instant relationships. We can give social media, especially Facebook the credit for this. With a click of a button, you and I are now friends, without effort, emotional investment or even time. No wonder building relationships with our Muslim brothers and sisters can often feel like an eternal process. 

I have come to understand that there is a battle waging between the Muslim mind and heart. The Muslim mind holds the Muslim heart captive. From adolescence, the Muslim mind is religiously, socially and culturally influenced and trained to reject who Jesus is and what He did. Recently, God placed an Iranian couple in my life who have rejected Islam, but are genuinely and passionately seeking who God is.  An intense yet hopeful dialogue emerged between us, and when the discussion came to an end, I felt an incredible urgency from God to give them one advice. I said, "You are seeking God with your mind. This is an intellectual battle for you, but you must understand that God is not fighting for your mind, He is fighting for your heart. Seek Him and fight for Him with your inner heart. Don't make this an intellectual battle." You see, the mind demands logic and reason. The heart demands trust and faith. We walk by faith not by sight. Again, the Muslim mind holds the Muslim heart captive. As ambassadors of Christ, we must ALSO understand this in the hopes of reconciling Muslims with God.  We can not debate anyone into the Kingdom of God, yet Muslims are ready for a debate, and I will promise you that they will out beat you. Let them win that battle......for we are fighting for what God keeps His eye on, the heart of Man.

I have come to understand that after almost three years of fighting Christ, what finally brought me to His loving grace was not Christianity being defined, but Christianity being demonstrated. I have said this over and over and over again when I speak about my story and about reaching Muslims. Yet, it is the cornerstone lesson that came out of my battle with God and I carry this absolute vital lesson into my lifelong mission to take the light of Christ to Muslims. You see, defining Christianity is debatable, but demonstrating Christianity is undeniable. 

I have come to understand that when we demonstrate Christianity, what we are doing in essence is giving a Muslim person a taste of Christ. They taste Jesus through our lives and once they get a taste, they will eternally crave it.  They will hunger over it, opening themselves up for the Holy Spirit to feed them. I compare it to being given a nibble then a bite of the sweetest and juiciest fruit you have ever tasted, so how can one possibly go back to being content and satisfied with the fruit offered by the world? The key word here is "compare." We are all to an extent victims of all that we know. If you are born and raised in war and violence, then war and violence is all you know. I have always said, that the worst type of violence is when you know nothing but violence. Therefore, if a Muslim person is only ever exposed to relationships, ways of behavior and a type of love that is alienating, and not Godly, then how can they ever know what they are missing? Similarly, how can people know that they are missing peace when they only know war? WHEN Christians demonstrate and share the love of Christ with a Muslim person, we are giving them a taste of Christ, but more importantly, we are giving them something to compare!! Once they have a taste of this sweet eternal fruit, how can they ever go back to the dry fruit given by Islam? (Maybe that is why Muslim love their dried fruits!!! haha had to throw that in there) Once a Muslim person witnesses the love of Christ through us and our lives, they will crave and seek it too. They will finally be freed from all that they have ever known. They will taste the Lord and know that He is good!!! They will return to their families and Muslim communities and for the first time they will see that there is a better way, and that way is Jesus. This is why I believe that reaching Muslim international students is vital for Muslim evangelism. By coming into our lives, we demonstrate and give them a taste of the Lord which a.) they will take back with them to their home countries. b.) once they have tasted the Lord and visit/return home, they will compare and come to know the difference. 

I have come to understand that it was exactly that which brought me to the Lord. Once I tasted Jesus and once I came to witness Godly joy, peace and love in the lives of Christians, I would return home to my Muslim family / community and finally have something to compare. I became envious of what Christians had. They were different. They lived different. They acted different. They loved different!!!! There was something they had and I wanted it too. I now craved it. What was it?? What was the common thread? It was Jesus.

I have come to understand that we are the living, walking, breathing proof of Christ. We are the givers of His eternal fruit. Our mission is not to convert Muslims. Our mission is to give Muslims a taste of Christ and stand back and let the Holy Spirit replenish them. If we give Muslims a taste of Jesus, they will crave Him, seek Him and hunger over Him. 

Let us not define Christianity, rather let us demonstrate it.

Let us not merely know our faith, rather let us live out our faith.

Let us not force Christianity down the throats of Muslim's, rather let us give them a taste of Christianity.

Let us not focus our fight to win the Muslim mind, rather let us focus our fight to free the Muslim heart.

I pray that as a Church and Body of Christ that we see, feel and recognize the urgency to reach Muslims for the hope of the Great Commission.

I pray that we have the patience of heart and mind in building relationships with Muslims.

I pray that as a Church and Body of Christ that we do not become selfish with our faith by choosing to keep the taste of the sweetest fruit to ourselves without the willingness to share it with the Muslim world.  Let us not be the modern day Jonah's.