Who wants to be needy?

I began to feel myself letting go of my grip..... How many times do I catch myself going less and less to my Bible and more to my own thoughts. How many times do I rely on my own strength and not seek His. How many times do I close my heart to His whisper and listen to the noise of the world. Yet, every time I cry out to Him, He answers because of His relentless faithfulness. Our need's may change, but our God remains the same. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you says my King. The less I go to my Bible and the less I rely on the Word of God, the more I rely on myself… my thoughts, my plans, my strength and my understandings.

Every Sunday at church while engaging in fellowship and singing in worship, I think how I wish I could bottle that feeling of indescribable Godly joy and carry it with me every moment.  I want the everlasting taste of the Kingdom of God, now and here! On Sundays, my joyful spirit is overflowing with gladness and praise for Him. I want to live it, BE it, walk it, thirst it, hunger it and fight for it. Then the week begins and I conform to the world. That momentary feeling of Godly exhilaration dwindles and I replace it with the many anxieties of my mere life.  Does Sunday church time become the once a week “gas station stop” where we go, fill up with song and sermon, fuel up and go home…..? And each passing day, we burn off the fuel until we need to fill up again on Sunday because we are running on empty. As children of God, we have a hungry and seeking Spirit within us that like all living things, MUST be fed and filled on a daily basis, crying out “Fill me up Lord!” The everlasting taste of the Kingdom of God is in fact here and now, living within us. It is the daily feeding and rejuvenating of the spirit that allows me to taste the joy of the Lord and His Kingdom everyday.

January 2013, I sat in my room in Kansas City and begged God to bring my heart back to Him. I was focused and disciplined in ministry work, but I needed focus and discipline to go to His Word. Of course, I knew that God never left me. Rather, I was "choosing" to look away.  I asked anyway, satisfying my urgency and neediness. He wants His children to be needy of Him. I am desperately needy of Him. When we are children, we rely on our mother to feed us, clothe us, teach us and protect us. When she has faithfully provided and we grow in the flesh, we then feel that we don’t need her anymore.  We are grownups now- self sufficient and self reliant! Like my pastor said today, "In America, we are taught to be self-sufficient." The world advocates that self-sufficiency is a measure of success! In our own independence, we become our own God! We become captives to ourselves, not realizing that by relying and being needy of God, we in essence gain freedom. Welcome to the new self help society...... welcome to misplaced truth. We give ownership to ourselves and not to our creator. We create our own misguided truths, rather than to see His one eternal truth. We are taught to create our own paths in life through self seeking plans, agenda's and motives. That is also true in our relationship with our heavenly father. I was a spiritual baby crying out to Him to feed me, shelter me, bless me, direct me and to protect me. He faithfully did so because I was needy of Him. Once I was filled up, feeling like a grownup, I began to rely more on myself, being less needy of Him. It is no longer about THE mission or HIS mission, but about MY mission. It is no longer about Him, but about me.

God took me to Isaiah 53 and reminded me of the tears I shed not for myself, but for His son two years ago with John 17. Once again, he ripped me to pieces and broke me in order to bring me back to him. Just like when we are injured or get sick, returning to childlike mindsets and seeking our mothers, we do the same when we are spiritually wounded and cry out for our heavenly father. His faithfulness is beyond measure and above understanding. He knows what is in Man. I am in an eternal state of awe of Him.  All He wants in return is for me to be needy of Him daily. The invitation to need Him is always open because He wants to remind us of His grace.  "Yet I am poor and needy, may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay”